How to win this Halloween.

It’s that time of year again, when fully grown adults spend £40+ on a decorative squash, innocent children are forced into Texas Chainsaw Massacre cosplay by horror-obsessed parents, and every cocktail bar insists on setting fire to a chilli and floating it in your drink. (Look, I have a sensitive tummy, ok?)

Yes, you guessed it: This week, it’s Halloween.

Let me be clear. I’m not anti-Halloween as such. I just find it, well, annoying.

The decorations. The costumes. The sugar-fuelled mayhem. The small humans knocking on your door, demanding chocolate and sweets during an economic crisis.

For us grumpy middle-aged men, it’s a far cry from the days I’d dress up as Beetlejuice, hit a bar striped suit in tow, face paint intact, and a fun night ahead. Those days are gone. Long gone. Now I get nervous if Deliveroo rings the doorbell past 8pm.

But don’t fret. If, like me, you find the whole thing ghastly, then I’ve got you.

I have mastered the art of surviving Halloween without confrontation, sugar crashes, or any meaningful social interaction. 

So grab your spiced pumpkin latte, and let’s begin.

Top Tip #1: Switch. Everything. Off.

The lights. The doorbell. The TV.

In fact, switch it all off at the mains to be extra safe.

I like to sit in complete darkness, glass of red in hand, watching my neighbours’ faces fall as their Ring doorbells light up again…and again…and again.

One year I even played The Exorcist soundtrack out of the upstairs window. Just loud enough to make the local kids pick up the pace.

Community spirit? Minimal.

Trick-or-treater deterrent? 10/10.

Top Tip #2: Buy ALL the sweets.

But let’s be clear: not for the children. Nor the teens. Not even the responsible adults.

These sweets are for you.

You’ll need sustenance if you’re going dark-mode for the evening. You can’t go putting on the oven with the mains off. Heaven forbid those small humans sniff out the BBQ. No, this is one night where you need to stay low and stick with the snacks.

My go-to is a square of Dairy Milk sandwiched between two Ready Salted Pringles. Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.

Healthy and nutritious? Absolutely not.

Trick-or-treater deterrent? Works every time.

Top Tip #3: Tell everyone you’re away.

Friends. Colleagues. Neighbours. Even Karen on reception.

Tell them you’re off for some winter sun or whisking your partner away for a romantic night.

Turn off Find My Friends. And if you’re one of those unhinged adults still using Snapchat - which, yes, shows your location - turn it off immediately. Then delete the app. 

Side note: if you were born before the 90s and you have SnapChat on your phone…have a long, hard look at yourself.

For the more ‘mature’ social platforms (if such a thing exists), go the extra mile:

Get ChatGPT to generate a photo of a lamb tagine at a rooftop restaurant. Post it. Tag yourself in Marrakech. Add a camel emoji for flair. 

Just remember - when the sun rises on November 1st, you’re meant to be “flying home.” So don’t go logging a 5k on Strava at 8am. Your fake Moroccan escape will fall apart faster than a Poundland spiderweb in a strong breeze.

Time well spent? Arguably no.

Trick-or-treater deterrent? 100% yes

And that, my friends, is how you win Halloween in 2025. Not by tapping into contextual relevance. Not by understanding behavioural data. All by going incognito for one night only.

Yours in socially sanctioned serenity,

Rhys Denny

(Master of turning off the porch light at 4:59pm)